Fight or Flight in Relationship Conflict

The fight or flight response is a natural response to danger. Our bodies are created to fight or flee when danger is upon us, such as being attacked by a mountain lion. When faced with this kind of danger, the stress hormones pour into our body, causing some blood to leave our brains and organs and go into our arms and legs. This is vital to us if we are actually being attacked by a mountain lion or a mugger. The problem is that this same response occurs when we become afraid in other situations, such as conflict with a partner.

When in conflict with a partner, we need to have the full capacity of our minds to deal rationally and lovingly with the situation. Yet the moment we become afraid, some of the blood leaves our brain, we cannot think as well, and we automatically go into fight or flight. That is when partners tend to fight or withdraw, neither of which leads to conflict resolution.

Obviously, fighting or fleeing is not the best way of dealing with conflict. Yet when fears are triggered - fears of losing the other through rejection or abandonment, or of losing yourself and being controlled by your partner - the stress response is automatically activated and you find yourself fighting or shutting down. Now matter how much you tell yourself that next time you will respond differently, the moment fear is activated you automatically attack, defend, yell, blame, or shut down through compliance or withdrawal.

What can you do about this?

There are two solutions to this dilemma.

The moment there is tense energy between you and your partner, it is best for both of you to walk away from the conflict for at least 15 minutes. During this time, you can calm down and do some inner work. As the stress response leaves your body, you can think better. This allows you to open to learning about your end of the conflict. Once you are clear about what you are doing that is causing the problem and what you need to do differently, you can reconnect with your partner and talk it out. Sometimes there is not even anything to talk out because the conflict was about the fight or flight rather than about a specific issue. More often than not, it is the stress response itself that is the issue. When you take the time to calm down, you might be able to apologize for your anger, blame, defensiveness or withdrawal, and the conflict is over.

The second solution is a longer-term solution. This is about doing enough inner work, such as the Inner Bonding process that we teach, so that your fears of rejection, abandonment, and engulfment gradually diminish. The more you learn to value yourself rather than expect your partner to define your worth and lovability, the less fear you have of rejection. The more you learn to take loving care of your own feelings and needs, the less dependent you are upon your partner. When your fear of rejection diminishes, so does your fear of engulfment. People give themselves up and allow themselves to be controlled and consumed by their partner as a way of avoiding rejection. When rejection is no longer so frightening, you will find that your fear of being controlled diminishes.

The less fear you have, the less you will be triggered into the stress response of fight or flight. The more secure you feel within due to learning to value yourself and learning to take loving care of yourself, the less fear you will feel in the face of conflict. This is when you stop being so reactive and are able to remain open and caring in the face of conflict.

There is no point in continuing a conflict when one or both of you are coming from fear. Continuing a conflict when the fight or flight response is activated will only erode your relationship. Until you can stay open-hearted in a conflict, it is best to continue to follow through on the first solution - taking a time-out until you feel open-hearted.

By: Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
Author Bio
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. best-selling author of eight books, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email her at mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com.
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The Secret to Interpersonal Happiness

As much as we desire being connected to others — good friendships, a wonderful romantic relationship, close family members — this connection always comes at a cost.

We get frustrated by other people.

You know it’s true. You might be really good friends with someone, but then they get angry at you for some reason, or they behave without consideration, and all of a sudden, your mood is much darker. You’re not happy with them, maybe they’re not happy with you. Things can go sour very quickly.

This is such a difficult problem that you could devote entire books to ways of working out these kinds of conflicts and frustrations. But I have one technique that, if applied consistently, will lead to a lot more happiness.

The secret: always take the good-hearted view of other people.

That takes some explaining, so let’s take a look at two ways of looking at other people:

1. The ill-intentioned view. When someone does something rude, you think, “Why do they have to be so inconsiderate?” or “Who does that?” Basically, you see their actions in the worst possible light, without putting yourself in their shoes. Most of us do this regularly without realizing it. Anytime you’re mad or frustrated with someone, this is what you’re doing.
2. The good-hearted view. When someone does something inconsiderate — and I’m not saying their actions are justified — you can try to think of those actions in a good-hearted way. For example, maybe they’re having a bad day and are grump — that doesn’t excuse their actions, but you can understand the feeling of being grumpy. Or maybe they were hurt by something you did (which you might not realize) and they are lashing out because of that hurt. That’s not a nice way to react, of course, but we can all relate to feeling hurt and lashing out. So the good-hearted view is that this is someone you care about who is hurting. Forget the personal offense, think about their pain, and be compassionate towards that pain.

Let’s take a brief look at the ill-intentioned way of seeing things, then go into what I believe will transform most people’s interpersonal happiness — the good-hearted view.

Why the Ill-Intentioned View is a Problem

It’s easy to see the rudeness, inconsideration and plain wrongness of other people. That’s because we’re looking at it from our own point of view, and thinking they should see things the same way as you do.

For example:

• They left dirty dishes or a big mess in the kitchen. Why didn’t they just clean up instead of being inconsiderate? You feel they’re not acting as they should.
• They said something kind of mean to you. You have no idea why they would be mean, you’re a good person who doesn’t deserve that.
• They are mad at you for some reason. You don’t deserve that! What’s their problem?

Of course, there are much worse things, but these are some typical interpersonal problems, and common reactions.

These are natural reactions, but looking at things this way causes you to feel bad about the other person. You are frustrated, angry, offended or hurt. You build up resentment.

You might also react badly to the other person — say something hurtful or angry, lash out, ignore them, whatever your habitual way of responding to these things might be. This obviously will make them react badly to you, and now your relationship is hurt. You’re not happy, and neither are they. This isn’t a good situation.

The problem with the ill-intentioned view is that it doesn’t help anybody, and hurt the relationship. Worse yet, it’s self-centered (you’re seeing things from your own point of view) rather than thinking about the other person (whom you care about), both of you, or your relationship together.

The Solution: The Good-Hearted View

OK, so the self-centered view of seeing the ill-intentions of the other person isn’t ideal (not that any of us are ideal!). So what about the good-hearted view?

Well, this approach tries to use empathy, to see the good heart of the other person, to assume that they are good people with decent intentions who make mistakes and are having trouble of some kind.

For example, some reasons someone might act badly:

• They genuinely didn’t realize how you would take their actions — from their perspective, there was nothing wrong with what they did. Your interpretation might be that they are wrong, but that’s only one way of seeing it.
• They were caught up in their world, and weren’t thinking of how their words or actions might affect other people. This, of course, is self-centered, but we all do this, probably every day.
• They are having a bad day, are in a bad mood, or are in the middle of a tough problem in their life. This causes them to react badly to you. This is not an excuse for bad behavior, but you can understand this, as we all go through it.
• They have a bad habit of reacting to people in certain harmful ways. This doesn’t mean they have a bad heart, but instead, they developed bad patterns when they were young. At one point, these patterns were meant to protect them from harm, but now they just harm others.
• They were abused by someone, or hurt in the past, and now they are worried that you are going to harm them. So they protect themselves. Not an excuse, but more of a way to understand people’s behavior.
• You did something that they took offense to, and so they’re reacting badly to something you did. Maybe you didn’t realize you did this, but that’s the world they’re in.
• They genuinely were trying to do something to help you, but you took it the wrong way.

None of the above excuses bad behavior. It’s wrong to be rude, to yell, to be violent. But to act badly is human, and to judge everyone for their bad behavior means we won’t be friends with anyone. Ourselves included, because if we’re honest, we have to admit that we act badly sometimes too.

We’re not looking for excuses, but instead to see the good heart in the other person. Yes, they acted badly, but it’s with a good heart. If we can see this, perhaps we can see the other person in a more kind light, and react to them in a more helpful way.

Some ways we can react, now that we see them in a good-hearted light:

1. We can try to understand them, maybe even talk to them about what’s going on. People often like to be heard and understood. Make them feel like what they’re doing is understandable.
2. From this place, we might also share how their actions affected us, without blaming, accusing or guilt-tripping. Instead, it’s from a place of wanting to resolve the conflict.
3. We might give them compassion for the difficulty they’re going through. Maybe a hug, or the appropriate equivalent — just a “hug attitude,” where we’re trying to commiserate with them and make them feel better somehow.
4. Or we might just feel the compassion inside, and not let ourselves get caught up in resentful or frustrated emotions, and instead, just leave the other person alone until they feel better, if that’s more appropriate.
5. If the other person is genuinely harmful, you might need to get away from them (for your own protection), but with compassion you might not be so angry at them.

These are just a few options, but you can see that these actions are much more helpful for the relationship, for the other person, and for our own happiness.

You might say, “Well, isn’t this just rewarding or excusing their bad behavior?” That’s one way to see it, but I believe it’s more about not getting caught up in our own self-centered view, and not engaging in unhelpful and harmful patterns of thought. With the good-hearted view, we are more understanding, more compassionate, more likely to be happy and have good relationships.

The next time you feel difficulty with someone, try the good-hearted view. You just might find some happiness in a difficult situation.

BY LEO BABAUTA

How to Keep any Relationship Healthy

With all of the advice out there on how to rebuild your relationship, why not look at tips to keep your already healthy relationship intact?  There are plenty of things that you should avoid in order to make your relationship with your wife or girlfriend from unnecessary miscommunication as well as arguments.  In fact, these tips can help you in every relationship that you have - read on.

DON'T be right all the time

There's nothing more frustrating in a relationship than a person who insists that they are always right.  No one is right all of the time, and it's time that you realized that.  It takes a much stronger person to admit that they were wrong than it is for someone to not admit that they may have made a mistake.  Don't be the know it all.

DON'T refuse to apologize

You will have something that you need to apologize for at some point, even if you don't think that it's a big deal.  When you allow your partner to hear that you are sorry about something, you allow them to see that you are willing to move past something in order to have a healthier relationship.  And even if you don't think that you are wrong, apologizing is a great way to start fixing the situation instead of making it worse.

DON'T know the other person better than they know themselves

If you've ever been in a fight or a discussion when another person has claimed to know what you want, doesn't that feel upsetting?  You want to avoid doggedly trying to prove that you know more about the other person than they do - because that just isn't the case.  Take the time to consider their feelings and thoughts when they tell them to you.  To not let them have a say is to make the conversation one-sided.

DON'T assume anything

When you start to assume something, you start to chip away at the truth.  IF you want to know about something, the other person is going to have to tell you what you need to know.  Assuming that someone feels a certain way or that they want you to do a certain thing is only going to set you up for possible problems.  Assuming is really just guessing.

DON'T rub it in

If you do find out that you are right about something, you don't want to constantly rub the fact in long after the discussion is over.  Your relationship isn't about someone being right; it's about the two of you being happy.  If you're right, you're right, but then you need to move on.  Your partner will not appreciate being reminded that they were wrong.

DON'T put your priorities first

While you both want to have your needs and wants to be addressed, when you try to focus more on your own needs than your partner's needs, you will be seen as selfish and uncaring.  A relationship means that you are putting someone else's needs before your own, and in doing so, allowing your needs to be fulfilled as well.  Seek out their needs to see how you can compromise to make both of you happy.

DON'T interrupt them

When you're trying to make a point, you might feel that your words are more important than theirs, but this is not helpful.  If you are interrupting what someone else is saying all the time, two things happen:  one, you're not hearing what they are saying, and two, you are showing that your opinions are more important than theirs.  Instead, stop yourself and make a mental note to bring up your point when they are finished.

DON'T make promises you can't keep

You aren't going to be perfect, but when someone is counting on you to help maintain a good relationship; you need to be able to hold up your part of the bargain.  This means that you need to be able to make promises that you can keep.  And when you do make a promise to someone, they need to be able to expect that you will follow through - every time.  If you can't make a promise, then let them know that you will try your hardest, but that you can not promise it.  This allows them to have realistic expectations of you.

No relationship is perfect, but there are plenty of ways that you can keep it from becoming unhealthy.

By: Cucan Pemo

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3 Boundaries You Must Set in Every Relationship | SuperSoul Sunday | Opr...

Communication Is The Oxygen

I am often asked what is the key to a successful relationship? While there are many things that contribute to the success of a relationship, the one thing that stands out is communication. It amazes me when I have a couple sitting in my office and neither one of them is talking. As I peel back the layers of what brought them to see a relationship coach, I often hear we don't communicate.

Without communication, every aspect of your relationship will suffer. Communication is truly the art of investment. When we take time to talk, we are sharing our lives with another. I'm not talking about sitting on the couch while both are surfing on their phones. I'm talking about real intimate exchanges. I can't think of one long-term couple I've met in my practice {nor in my personal life} who didn't have, or take time to connect with each other. Without it, we are an island unto ourselves.

When is the last time you spoke with your partner like it was the first time? In other words, when did we stop asking questions about their hopes, dreams, fears, and desires? For so many of us, getting into a relationship is the easy part. We may think its hard, but in reality, keeping it fresh and moving it along is often the hard part. But the truth is, it doesn't have to be.

True communication does not require a lot of work. It really can be accomplished in as little as a half an hour a week. More is better, but uninterrupted all in active listening opens the doors to greater intimacy and fewer misunderstandings, which solidify the relationship. Being proactive is the best way to counter reactive conversations. And when we react, we in many cases are being defensive. And I think we all would agree that we would rather clear up confusion before it turns into suspicion. Because by the time someone is suspicious, they have already played out the worst case scenario in their head. And even if they're wrong, if we can provide a little peace for them, why wouldn't we want to do that?

Let's look at it from another angle. Using the analogy that a relationship is a living entity, communication is the oxygen that keeps it alive. Thus, when there is no oxygen, the relationship dies. Or, scenario number two {which leads couples into my office}, someone in the relationship in order not to feel oxygen deprived, they seek out another source of oxygen. It starts with harmless flirting. Maybe a causal work lunch date. Soon it grows into having the inside jokes, text and then blossoms into telling them all the problems that you are having in your relationship. Guess what. Infidelity may not have taken place yet. But, it is right around the corner.

If we use the above sequence in relationship discord, we certainly can see that the flirting, texting, joking and lunches all are a form of communicating. Or in other words, they build intimacy. And that is my point. It takes us very little time to stay connected. The question we must ask ourselves is, do we deserve to be in an intimate relationship? If the answer is yes, are we willing to invest in true communication?

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