Stop Settling, Live Your Best Life Now 

 Do you notice how often people settle for what they think they can get instead of going for the gold in those important areas of their life? How often do you see people plodding along in their jobs, relationships, or places to live so that it's obvious they don't enjoy what they have, or how often do you see people stop short of the little pleasures they really want by settling for things that are "good enough?"

There are a couple of reasons we find that people settle for less. Usually, it's either out of fear or because they are disconnected from their values.

When it's fear it can be: fear of failure, fear of loss of acceptance, fear of the unknown, or the big one: fear being disappointed. Fear often leaves people cynical and resigned that things could ever be better, and doubtful that they can have what they truly want. But recognizing that you've become cynical can be a good thing.

"A cynical person is just a very passionate person who is trying to avoid being disappointed again." ~ Benjamin Zander, The Art of Possibility

If you think about it, you would have to care very deeply in the first place in order to become cynical. Apathy simply wouldn't generate the kind of energy that truly cynical people seem to have.

These weeds of fears and disconnection from our values take root in the garden of our lives at a very young age. They are fertilized by a life of being told what to think, what's right and what's wrong, what's good and bad, and what's appropriate and inappropriate. Before long these weeds start to choke out our hopes and expectations as we are rewarded for obeying and punished for disobeying and we learn to settle for less and less.

Authority figures tell us what is THE TRUTH and we learn to believe what they say - OR ELSE. And somewhere along the line we take these truths on as our own.

We aren't arguing against the value of cultural wisdom or tradition in this article. We are simply pointing out some of the negative effects of not being taught to think critically and to determine what is important to us for ourselves.

Since we aren't taught how to determine what's most important to us, we easily become disconnected from an internal sense of our own values. This prevents us from discovering what is truly important to us, moment by moment in our daily lives - how to live our best life now.

And though we become experts at griping about our situations, we never become skilled at examining our underlying beliefs that keep us in these situations. We didn't learn to stop and ask, "What is important to me in this particular situation?" or, "What do I value here and what do I really want?"

But as young children we learned why we shouldn't ask for what we wanted. The looks and actions of those in authority clearly gave us the message that we were selfish for asking. Or we were openly told that asking was bad, wrong, or inappropriate in some way.

We've all heard these messages: money doesn't grow on trees, don't rock the boat, don't be selfish, there's not enough to go around, or you should just be thankful for what you have. There were any number of these messages that taught us we live in a world of scarcity, we can never get what we really want, and we better just be happy with what we can get. And we learned it can be risky to ask for more than you have.

The problem with settling for less than what we really want is that it can lead to a sense of confusion, frustration, and dissatisfaction, not only for the people who limit themselves but also for the people in their life who live with their dissatisfaction, which brings us to the first practice.

~~ Connecting With Your Undiscovered Values ~~

We will make a rather bold assertion here: most of the internal distress people feel results from being disconnected from their most deeply held personal values, and then behaving in ways that are out of harmony with these values.

To see how this plays out we're going to use a fictional example. But to make it real for you, we ask that you use an area of your life, about which you are less than completely satisfied, and follow along.

You can pick any area: your relationship with your significant other, a child, boss, employee, or even the man at the shoe repair shop. Or it can be a situation such as your job, living arrangements, vehicle, or finances. As long as you are somewhat dissatisfied, anything like this will work.

How will you know if the area you pick will work? Because you'll remember saying something like, "It's not so bad," "It's more work to fix it than it is worth," "Its not perfect but it's good enough," "It wouldn't make a difference if I tried to fix it anyway," "If I tried to change this, it might get worse," or any other settle-for-less statement.

Okay, have you picked an area? As we go through our example, imagine how each piece of our example applies to your situation.

We've said that settling for what we think we can get, rather than going for what we really want, can lead to a sense of confusion, frustration, and dissatisfaction, both for us and for others. To illustrate this, imagine a woman who has never been satisfied with her job. We'll call her Pat.

Pat's been going to work day after day, week after week, dreading every minute. The only options she sees are either to quit or suffer. You can easily see how settling for this job could leave her feeling frustrated.

But how she feels abut her job affects more than just her own sense of well being. How do you imagine she acts with the people at work, and how might it impact the way she is with her family and friends?

Do you imagine her frustration and irritation might cause her to complain about her situation? Has anyone ever complained to you about their dissatisfaction and hopelessness? How did this affect you? When someone settles for less it affects everyone and not just the person doing the settling.

But what prevents Pat from looking for a solution instead of just grinding along in the same old routine?

As we said before, one reason we end up settling for things we don't enjoy is fear: Fear of failure, loss of acceptance, fear of the unknown, or fear of being disappointed. We also implied that Pat's distress be caused by her disconnection from her most deeply held personal values, and then behaving in ways that were out of harmony with those values.

If this is true, how might getting clear about her personal values help her break out of this pattern of settling for less and propel her into action to go for what she really wants? This brings us to the second practice.

~~ Constant Awareness of Your Personal Values ~~

Awareness of our personal values gives us an internal landmark or reference point that we can use to guide our actions. With this internal landmark, we can guide our actions so they are in harmony with what is most deeply important to us -- who we really are.

For our life and relationships to work smoothly it's important that we create alignment between our values and our actions, first with ourselves and then with others.

The process of aligning your values and actions with yourself starts with learning how to identify what you most deeply value in any situation. Only then can you create a clear vision of what you want to experience that is aligned with your values.

Once you have this clear mental image, you are able to identify specific, step-by-step actions that will create those results most likely to lead you toward your vision.

But what do we mean when we talk about values? We mean any principle or quality that is intrinsically valuable or desirable to you. Using this definition a person couldn't value "getting to work on time" or "making a lot of money" because these are actions or results, not the underlying principle or quality of life that would generate these actions and results.

So let's examine what Pat might value that is missing in her current job situation and generating her complaints. Well, she might deeply value connection and community, but she doesn't really know her co-workers very well because no one talks about anything other than work.

She might also value contribution, but she never hears form her boss that her work is contributing to the organization or the people it serves. She may also be missing a sense of creativity and freedom that would contribute to her own growth.

Just by identifying how much she values connection, community, contribution, creativity, freedom, and growth, she has already gained enough clarity to see her job and herself a little differently. This change in perspective provides some distance from her dissatisfaction and shifts her focus of attention from her complaints. And what you focus your attention on grows.

It's now possible for her to realize that there are simply things she values that are missing at her job. With this clarity, she can now try to come up with ideas that might help her have what she values at her present job.

Were not implying that she will be able to create everything she values in her current situation, but until she knows what she values, and how these values are missing in this unsatisfying situation, she will never know what to ask for to get what she wants.

But identifying what she values is just the first step. In order to make a difference, she needs to translate these values into concrete actions that will result in the experience of what she values in her situation. So starting with this in mind, what actions might she take that would result in her experiencing what she values?

To create more connection and community she might organize some weekly activities with her coworkers, such as a discussion group during lunch or regular recreational activities after work.

To meet her need for contribution she might ask her boss to tell her how what she is doing is contributing to the organization and the people it serves. And to meet her need for growth she can also ask for support in identifying ways that she could contribute more successfully.

To meet her need for creativity she could ask her boss and coworkers if they were interested in hearing creative ideas for the growth of the company.

In short, when she is clear about what she values she can begin to take responsibility for creating the kind of life she wants, and taking this kind of responsibility could contribute to her own sense of freedom. And so we find ourselves at the third practice.

~~ Consistent Alignment With Your Personal Values ~~

Clarity about our deeply held personal values creates the possibility of consistent, internal alignment. With this internal alignment, we can then share the vision of what we want with others, and begin the process of creating alignment with them about that vision. We can explore whether they share these same values and are interested in experiencing them more fully.

The process of creating an initial alignment with others about our values and vision makes reaching agreements with them and achieving results together, happen much more quickly and easily. When you create power with other people in your life this way it opens up the possibility for greater success and satisfaction for everyone.

In our example, Pat now has the key to release herself from a future of confusion, complaining, and hopelessness. Now she can open the door to the possibility of true freedom from fear so she can begin to create her best life now.

So don't give up. Just remember that what you focus your attention on grows. The surest way to keep settling for less is to focus attention on your dissatisfaction and fear of taking action.

But once you're able to focus on what you truly value in any situation, and how to identify the actions and results that will give you what you value, creating exactly what you want most is all downhill.

by Beth Banning
Co-authored by Neill Gibson.


Article source;http://www.articlesphere.com/republish.php?id=92029
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The Practice of One Thing at a Time

There’s a Japanese term, “ichigyo-zammai,” that basically means full concentration on a single act.

Sunryu Suzuki described this practice in his book, Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind, and said this practice of being fully in the moment with the activity is enlightened activity.

“So instead of having some object of worship, we just concentrate on the activity which we do in each moment,” Suzuki Roshi wrote. “When you bow, you should just bow; when you sit, you should just sit; when you eat, you should just eat.”

He said when we just do that one activity, we express our true nature.

What a beautiful idea, that when we aren’t present, our true nature cannot fully express itself … but when we are truly just doing whatever we’re doing, we start to express our true selves.

But it’s easier said than done. How often are we not in the moment?

Think about times when we are:

• Jumping between tasks in a browser
• Checking our phones while doing other things throughout the day
• In a rush to do the next thing while still doing the current thing
• Thinking about other things when someone is talking to us
• Irritated by someone when they interrupt whatever we’re doing
• Taking whatever we’re doing for granted, because it’s dull or routine

It turns out, we are very rarely fully in the moment with any single activity. How can we try this enlightened activity of full concentration on one act?

How to Do One Thing at a Time

These are as much reminders to myself as they are reminders for you, but here’s what I’ve been practicing with:

1. When you start an activity, turn to it with your full attention and set an intention to be present with the act, to do nothing but this activity. You might think, “Just walk” or “Just read” or “Just drink tea.”
2. You might open up a wide-open, sky-like panoramic awareness as you do the activity, being fully engaged with the entire moment.
3. When you notice yourself thinking about something else, or getting your attention pulled elsewhere, or starting down a pattern of judgment, resentment, etc. … just notice. Then return to being fully present with the activity.
4. Empty your mind of preconceived ideas about the activity, and just be curious about what the activity is actually like, right now, as it unfolds. Allow yourself to be surprised.
5. Treat every object with reverence, as if it were your own eyesight.
6. See the brilliance of each moment, of each activity, that underlies everything around us.

Just write. Just shower. Just give someone your full attention.

As we give each activity our full loving attention, we start to appreciate each person, each object, everything around us as something worthy of respect, love, and gratitude.

We start to take life up on the opportunity to fully engage with it, with a smile and a bow.

BY LEO BABAUTA

Article source;https://zenhabits.net/ichigyo-zammai/

Daniel Goleman Introduces Emotional Intelligence

Living With A Mental Disorder

Anger: Do Some People's Childhoods Set Them Up To Have Anger Problems?

Anger: Do Some People's Childhoods Set Them Up To Have Anger Problems?

If a number of people were asked what they think about anger, some of them might say that it is a 'bad' emotion. This is then going to be something that is black and white, meaning that it is not open for debate.

Someone like this could talk about how this is an emotion that only causes problems, and this is why it has no place in today's world. In their eyes, it would be better if human beings no longer had the ability to get angry.

Another Outlook

There are then going to be others who disagree with this point of view; they might find it hard to understand how anyone could believe this. When someone has this view, they could believe that anger is neither good nor bad.

They could say that it all depends on how someone responds to their anger, and how their anger affects their behaviour. This emotion is then going to be neutral - what will define whether it is good or bad is how someone channels this energy.

Another Example

One could point to the fact that while a car can allow someone to get to where they need to go, it could also allow them to run people over. But while this is the case, it is not as though cars are seen as being bad.

It doesn't stop there, though, as there are so many other things on this planet that can be used in a positive or negative manner. Yet, for whatever reason, it is uncommon for anger to be seen as being neutral.

Past Experience

If someone does believe that anger is bad, it could be a sign that they have primarily had experiences where it was used in a destructive manner. Perhaps they have been around people who were violent, for instance.

Or, they may have been around people who ended up treating people badly whenever they got angry. It might not just relate to other people, as one may have been violent and/or treated people badly in the past when they got angry.

One Option

This is then going to be similar to someone who has only had negative experiences around animals; it will be as though this is what all animals are like. No matter whether it relates to the animals that they have had or what other people have had, the outcome will have been the same.

If someone is open-minded, they might be willing to see how anger can also be used in a constructive manner. This would give them the opportunity to see the anger in a different light and to form a new relationship with their own anger.

Self-Control

Ultimately, when someone causes harm, their anger is not the problem; what is the problem is that one is being controlled by their anger. This stops them from being able to take a step back and then to use this energy in a positive manner.

With this in mind, to say that anger is bad would be to say that a car is bad for crashing into a building; when the only reason this took place is because the driver allowed it to happen. What this emphasises is how important it is for someone to be able to contain how they feel and not to be controlled by their emotions.

Purely Information

When one can do this, they will be able to connect to how they feel and to look into why they feel angry. This could show that they have been compromised or violated in some way, or it could show that something from their past has been triggered.

If it relates to the former, it might be a good idea for them to stand their ground and to speak out, for instance. One is then not reacting to how they feel, they are responding to how they feel.

A Big Difference

This means that one won't come across as someone who lacks self-control; they will come across as someone who has good boundaries. This emotion will then be no different to any other emotion since it will be used as information.

The alternative would be for one to be compromised or violated in some way, but not to get angry. Here, one would be out of touch with their anger, which is there to protect them and to keep them alive.

Enslaved

When one is unable to contain their anger and ends up being controlled by it, it is going to be clear that they are not in control of themselves. It might not take a lot for them to lose it, with something fairly trivial being enough to set them off.

What happens (the stimulus) is generally going to be overshadowed by how they behave (response). This could result in them raising their voice or they could end up physically harming another person.

A Deep Wound

There could have been a time in their life when they were violated, and this would have caused them to experience a lot of pain. Perhaps they were physically abused when they were younger.

Along with this, they might have been neglected, and this would then have stopped them from receiving the kind of care that they needed to develop the ability to regulate their own emotions. There would have been the effect that this had on their body and on their mind.

Awareness

If one can relate to this, and they want to develop the ability to be able to handle their emotions, it might be a good idea for them to reach out for external support. This can take place with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.

A prolific writer, author, and coach, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis cover all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, and inner awareness. With over one thousand six hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

To find out more go to - http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/6

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